RE: a lil' joke - 2

eine kleine Geschichte vom südlichen Nachbarn!!


Nach der x-ten amerikanischen Meldung "Wir wissen nicht, ob Osama Bin Laden noch lebt" beschloss Osama eine Nachricht an George W. Bush zu schicken, um ihm zu zeigen, dass er noch im Spiel ist. Bush öffnete den Brief und hatte offensichtlich eine codierte Mitteilung vor sich:

"37OHSSV O773H"

Bush konnte damit nichts anfangen und gab den Zettel Colin Powell. Dieser schuttelte nur ratlos den Kopf und leitete ihn an das CIA weiter. Dort biss man sich allerdings die Zähne aus und bemuhte NSA und FBI.

Als auch diese scheiterten, ging man einen Schritt weiter und befasste die NASA damit. Nach deren vergeblichen Versuchen, die Nachricht zu entschlüsseln, trat man an die Universitäten Berkeley und Harvard heran, die aber ebenfalls alsbald das Handtuch warfen.

In ihrer Not ersuchten die Amerikaner nun das britische MI6, sich der Sache anzunehmen. Captain George Archibald McMillan warf einen Blick darauf und antwortete Washington: "Sagen Sie dem Präsidenten, er hält den Zettel verkehrt herum..."

gruss
woodworker

...und ich dachte, Frauen sind der Grund warum die Menschheit zum Laufen zurückkehrt!

War nur ein Spass!

Nee, der erste war supi!

Gruß bg

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"Your aren`t so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning he decided he`d better made amends and phoned home. After many rings his wife picked up the phone.
Doctor: "What took you so long to answer?"
Wife: "I was in bed."
Doctor: "What were you doing in bed this late?"
Wife: "Getting a second opinion."

Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade!"
"Don`t panic, I`m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheepheart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?"
The man replies "Not BAAAAAAD!"

LG
Avellana

@avellana, nicht schläääächt....

Hi, hi, hi....
Ich liebe diese Ärztewitze.

"Doctor, Doctor, You`ve got to help me - I just can`t stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you Idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor: "I`ve got very bad news - you`ve got cancer and Alzheimer`s."
Patient:"Well, at least I don`t have cancer."

Patient:"I always see spots before my eyes."
Doctor:"Didn`t the new glasses help?"
Patient:"Sure, now I see the spots much clearer."

LG
Avellana

...anscheinend teile ich deine vorliebe *gg

3 Wishes

There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out.
(I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes.)

So the Newfie says (I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish)
Like that, the oceans were full.

The Quebecer was amazed, he said (I want a wall around Quebec, so no one will get in.)
And like that, there was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy says (Tell me more about this wall.)
The genie says (Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.)
So the Vancouver guy says (Fill it up with water.)



gruss
woodworker

ist doch absolut nicht unkorrekt

jede Nationalität hat irgend einen Teil der eigenen Nationalität lieb
Die Deutschen ihre Ostfriesen
Die Franzoden ihre Korsen
Die Italiener ihre Camorra
Und überhaupt in Europa gibt es ja Joke's von einer Nation über die Andere und wieder retour

Warum sollte da das zweit grösste Land der Erde sich nicht auch innerhalb der Provinzen lieb haben!!

So ist das zu verstehen und nicht anders.
Sollte sich trotzdem jemand angegriffen fühlen bitte für den jenigen dieses Treath sperren.


Noch einer vom Holzwurm für Holzwürmer

Newfie Logger:

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets
to Campbell River, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he
must find a job. He walks into the Weyerhaeuser office and fills out an application as
an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.
But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup
truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that
tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of
lumber it contains."

The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a citrus spruce containing 383 board feet of lumber."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile
down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks
the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

"It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet." says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the
answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther
down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road
through his driver side window. "And what about that one?"

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A cedar, 242 board feet."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little cheesed
off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the
foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to
mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does
he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the
ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the
foreman and hands him the chalk.

"That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states, cocksure.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know
that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at this feet, while moving the toe of his left boot clockwise in
the gravel, replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it."


gruss
woodworker

auch nicht schlecht...*g
und noch einer, um mal obiges terrain zu verlassen
harmlos aber niedlich:



the modern answer for the birds and the bees

a little boy goes to his father and asks "daddy, how was i born?"

the father answers: "well son, i guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

your mom and i first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

then i set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

as soon as i was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



you've got male!

i think it was a (spam) mail

was heist hier harmlos:

aus spas wurde ernst- er ist jetzt 3 Jahre alt!

Things You Don`t Want to Hear During Surgery
Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can`t remember when I`ve been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We`ll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his splen, then what`s that?
Hand me that..uh...that uh... thingie
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there`s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy`s got two of ´em.
Everbody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
I wish I hadn`t forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril. The floor is clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn`t in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he`s not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don`t worry. I think it`s sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don`t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let`s hurry, I don`t want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he`s still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I`v performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE, FIRE! Everybody get out!

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
None: They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
Only one, but he has to have nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Schönen Sonntag
Avellana

Grade gelesen:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

Life In Canada:
Pizza gets to your house faster than an ambulance
There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
People order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.
Banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter.
We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
We buy hot dogs in packages of 12 and buns in packages of 8.
We use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.